After five historic weeks, the TMLT Across America Tour, starring the legendary rock group Titus Andronicus [ hereafter +@ ], is finally over and now, the unthinkable has become undeniable : having astonished capacity crowds in Philadelphia, DC, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Portland, Minneapolis, Chicago, Toronto, Boston, and New York City (to name just ten), the band that swore they would never sell out is suddenly selling out from coast to coast.
“Selling out always seemed so wrong to me,” spoke +@ figurehead Patrick Stickles, convalescing from his remote outerborough lair, “but once we sold out in Hollywood, I couldn’t help but feel we were entering into some kind of ‘Post Sell-Out Era,’ and I will look for any opportunity to sell out in the future.”
To that end, it is +@’s pleasure to reveal today their latest Official Music Video, “No Future Part IV : No Future Triumphant,” the pop-off jam from The Most Lamentable Tragedy [hereafter TMLT], still standing strong as the most universally acclaimed rock and roll album of 2015.
“+@ has been all over this many-splendored land we love to call America, our eyes as open as our hearts,” Stickles mumbled from his sickbed, “and if we have been charmed and charmed again, we have also seen it reaffirmed that there is only one New York City and only New York City can be called Number One. This video is our loving tribute to the city which has been our home and our safe haven, to the rich history and culture which has been our constant source of inspiration and sustenance. I sincerely hope that we will never have to leave… unless there is someplace else where we can pop by to sell out real fast and then dash with the cash.” He then spoke a word which sounded like “suckers” but it was obscured by a hacking cough.
Fear not, though, all ye who would observe this high-fashion video with eyes growing green – in an act of synergy that could only be called crass and calculating and cold, you can now “Get The Look” via the grandly re-opened Titus Andronicus LLC Internet Store. Grab yr wallet, close all other tabs and immediately navigate to TITUSANDRONICUS.NET to purchase all the dazzling delights which tantalize you just beyond the glass, including a One-Week-Only offer to acquire an autographed copy of TMLT on vinyl 3xLP for only THIRTY DOLLARS! If there was any lingering doubt that +@ is off their collective rocker, open up the window and let it fly free.
“After five weeks, I think America has learned it’s lesson,” Stickles whispered, swiftly drifting from lucid consciousness. “Now we will bring the fight overseas and show Europe how we sell out… American Style.”
Consider this fair warning to all Europeans – don’t blow all yr quid trying to keep yr +@ gear on point because new dates have been added to November’s TMLT Across The Pond Tour, including multiple new dates amidst the lush fields of Ireland and upon the sunny shores of Portugal. Find the complete updated itinerary below.
“Until there are no more worlds to conquer, I will not sleep, only creep,” was the sound of Stickles’ cracking voice, followed by the hollow thud of the receiver hitting the floor and, then, the soft murmur of his snoring.
TMLT Across The Pond
November 5th – London, UK – Village Underground
November 6th – Bristol, UK – Thekla
November 7th – Brighton, UK – Bleach
November 8th – Oxford, UK – Bullingdon
November 10th – Birmingham, UK – Hare and Hounds
November 11th – Manchester, UK – Deaf Institute
November 12th – Liverpool, UK – Kazimer
November 13th – Glasgow, UK – Stereo
November 14th – Leeds, UK – Beacons Metro Festival
November 16th – Nottingham, UK – Bodega Social Club
November 18th – Paris, FR – La Mecanique Ondulatoire
November 19th – Opwijk, BE – Autumn Falls Festival
November 20th – Utrecht, NE – Le Guess Who Festival
November 22nd – Dublin, IE – The Hanger
November 23rd – Cork, IE – Cyprus Avenue
November 24th – Galway, IE – Roisin Dubh
November 25th – Belfast, IE – Empire Music Hall
November 27th – Lisbon, PT – Vodafone Mexefest